Regret

Victoria,

Cider House Rules is on and I thought of you. I've been meaning to write this for a long time and never had the courage to face everything. I think of that as our movie. We weren't actually together then, in a formal declared sort of way, but we knew what was happening as we sat together inching closer in the darkened depths of the theatre. I still remember with viceral certainty how I ached to be near you. A lot of things are that way for me now. They remind me of you and I'm sad, and angry...with myself. I can't help but think I made a the greatest mistake I will ever make in life in leaving you. If you were reading this I know what you'd say, "You just say that because you're sad and lonely now but once you find someone you'll be fine and you won't think of me." And you may be right, but after almost 4 years of thinking about you, I don't think it's true anymore.

I was so sure of so much and I never gave you credit or didn't realize all the things you were right about. You were right that no one would ever love me as much as you did. You were right I'd regret it. It's funny how I compare them all to you. She's not as smart, she's not as pretty, she just isn't you. I don't date now. I haven't had a any kind of relationship in about 3 and a half years and I don't see it happening any time soon. I've given up and it's very sad because everything I've done to this point was to prepare for a family and the irony is a steely cold unhealing wound yet to scar and fade. I don't think it will.

We were so different but that's what made us so perfect for each other. It's an oversimplification of the delicate complexity of you to say you were the artsy one, the cultured accepting understanding one. The beautifully graceful supportive one. The quietly intelligent striving one. The selfless, giving, caring one.

Please don't misunderstand this for solely melancholy self-pity, though it is that, it's more. I want to acknowledge how wonderful you are and how sorry I am that I hurt you. I know it wouldn't matter to you now. You've been married for some time and it didn't take long after we parted for you to move on. You probably have kids. I called you a few months after we broke up and you said you were happy and I genuinely hoped you were and still are happy. I heard you left teaching a couple of years ago and I was very sad. I never got to be there for you to help you through that. It must have been very hard but I hope you found what you were destined for.

You are very special and I will always love you.
Aaron